Dear Coach,
I saw your blog and glanced over the WTF article. I could use some advice. Let’s us say that your husband is emotionally abusive, and told you that if you decide to leave the relationship, he would assume full custody of your kids. How would you handle that? If you decide to forgive, how do you get to the point where you have that "oo ah" feeling again?
~WTF…but don’t know how!
Dear WTF,
I think the first thing you must do is address the abuse. If your husband is physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive, this is not a healthy or viable relationship to stay in. Additionally, your children are exposed to behaviors that put them at a higher risk of Depression, Suicide, low self-esteem, and potentially becoming ½ of an abusive relationship themselves. It sounds as if your husband does not intend to stop what he is doing which leaves the ball in your court to make the next move for you and your children.
Regarding the custody, no judge is going to grant either parent FULL custody unless the other is proven to be unfit. Your breakup may not be amicable, but that doesn’t mean that he will be granted total rights to your children. It sounds to me that he is using scare tactics to manipulate your decision. My advice is to do your research. Find out what the law says in your state in regards to custody and base your decision on fact and not assumption!
P.S. You can forgive….but from a distance!
My prayers are with you and your family
~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
WTF????
Today I want to drop the F bomb and ask the question Want To Forgive??? Yep I said it. It’s the thorn in EVERYONE’S side that haunts our lives from top to bottom. We all pretend to forgive others of their trespasses against us, but the truth is that most of us really don’t know how. I’m sure many of you have heard the sentiment that unforgiveness hurts you more than the person that you refuse to forgive, so I would like to speak more in depth about how unforgivness might be rearing its ugly head in your life. How do you forgive someone who continues to hurt you? While I am in no way suggesting that anyone subject themselves to abuse (in any form) from others, I believe there is a way to coexist with those that we are “obligated” to love and experience true freedom all at once.
By nature, we want to forgive our parents, give them another chance, and hand over our hearts just one more time in hopes that they get it right this time. But what happens when they never come through? Recently, while assisting a client struggling with trusting others (males in particular), with finding the right path regarding her sexuality, I had an epiphany. Here we have a young lady who never trusted her father due to his struggle with addiction in her youth, whose unforgiveness of her father has encouraged her to believe that men are not meant to be trusted, and as a result, her sexuality is in question.
Your reluctance to forgive can control your life in many ways…ways that are not obvious and do not make themselves seen on the surface. I believe that most of the problematic situations that we find ourselves in can be traced back to unforgiveness in some form. Weather you abuse drugs, over-eat, or are overly promiscuous, the origins of these behaviors tend to be linked to someone’s inability to give you something you needed in the past. Had they said “I’m sorry,” or even shown some sort of remorse…surely you would not hurt as badly as you do now. What do you do when the person who has hurt you doesn’t even know they need to apologize?
Recognize that the very thing they keep doing to you has NOTHING to do with you. Don’t assume that someone is purposefully withholding your needs, but instead consider that they are not equipped to fulfill them. What am I saying? People cannot give you what they do not have. My afore mentioned client complained “whenever I talk to my dad…it’s all about him!....he doesn’t even know me” What I took from that statement was that she is hurt that her father doesn’t care enough to ask her questions about her life or simply offer himself to be available to her should she need him. She was looking for her father to be…well…a father. The problem is it appears that at this stage of his life, he is incapable of that very task. So without realizing it, she made every man that she would encounter a villain and not worthy of trust or love. She chose not to deal with her hurt by forgiving her father of his incompetence, and carried it over to the remainder of the male species.
I chose to use this example because unforgiveness is one of the sneakiest contributors to personal dissatisfaction there is. Carrying resentment sews a seed that grows into many different problems that we tend to attribute to other situations and people. Imagine how much more fulfilled African Americans would be if they collectively chose to forgive. Could they be a people who value thier women, and refuse to reduce thier men to being only good for a romp in the sak? Maybe they could finally love who they are and not be consumed with having more things than they can afford....just a thought.
I encourage you to seek out your place of unforgiveness, and make a conscious effort to free yourself! Forgiveness has nothing to do with you changing the other person, but instead you must change how you perceive that person and what thier wrong doing means to you. Never forget that at some point you will need to be forgiven, and I can only hope that you will be afforded the opportunity to be who you are at that time….flaws and all!
*I want to give special thanks to those of you who provide me with inspiration for these postings, and for allowing me to inspire others with your story!*~You know who you are ;-)
Be Blessed!!
~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
By nature, we want to forgive our parents, give them another chance, and hand over our hearts just one more time in hopes that they get it right this time. But what happens when they never come through? Recently, while assisting a client struggling with trusting others (males in particular), with finding the right path regarding her sexuality, I had an epiphany. Here we have a young lady who never trusted her father due to his struggle with addiction in her youth, whose unforgiveness of her father has encouraged her to believe that men are not meant to be trusted, and as a result, her sexuality is in question.
Your reluctance to forgive can control your life in many ways…ways that are not obvious and do not make themselves seen on the surface. I believe that most of the problematic situations that we find ourselves in can be traced back to unforgiveness in some form. Weather you abuse drugs, over-eat, or are overly promiscuous, the origins of these behaviors tend to be linked to someone’s inability to give you something you needed in the past. Had they said “I’m sorry,” or even shown some sort of remorse…surely you would not hurt as badly as you do now. What do you do when the person who has hurt you doesn’t even know they need to apologize?
Recognize that the very thing they keep doing to you has NOTHING to do with you. Don’t assume that someone is purposefully withholding your needs, but instead consider that they are not equipped to fulfill them. What am I saying? People cannot give you what they do not have. My afore mentioned client complained “whenever I talk to my dad…it’s all about him!....he doesn’t even know me” What I took from that statement was that she is hurt that her father doesn’t care enough to ask her questions about her life or simply offer himself to be available to her should she need him. She was looking for her father to be…well…a father. The problem is it appears that at this stage of his life, he is incapable of that very task. So without realizing it, she made every man that she would encounter a villain and not worthy of trust or love. She chose not to deal with her hurt by forgiving her father of his incompetence, and carried it over to the remainder of the male species.
I chose to use this example because unforgiveness is one of the sneakiest contributors to personal dissatisfaction there is. Carrying resentment sews a seed that grows into many different problems that we tend to attribute to other situations and people. Imagine how much more fulfilled African Americans would be if they collectively chose to forgive. Could they be a people who value thier women, and refuse to reduce thier men to being only good for a romp in the sak? Maybe they could finally love who they are and not be consumed with having more things than they can afford....just a thought.
I encourage you to seek out your place of unforgiveness, and make a conscious effort to free yourself! Forgiveness has nothing to do with you changing the other person, but instead you must change how you perceive that person and what thier wrong doing means to you. Never forget that at some point you will need to be forgiven, and I can only hope that you will be afforded the opportunity to be who you are at that time….flaws and all!
*I want to give special thanks to those of you who provide me with inspiration for these postings, and for allowing me to inspire others with your story!*~You know who you are ;-)
Be Blessed!!
~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
How to Stay Resolute in Your Resolution!!
Happy New Year Everyone!!! With 2011 fast approaching, I’m sure many of you are beginning to consider what things you would like to leave behind in 2010. New Year’s Resolutions have been a time honored tradition since Jesus walked the earth, and I don’t foresee them going anywhere. So what is yours? Are you trying to lose weight, finally getting rid of that bad relationship, moving a good relationship forward, changing career paths, or “getting’ right with Jesus? Whatever your resolution, you are about to embark on a journey that will change your life for the better….or so we hope.
When I was a personal trainer, the owners and the sales staff used to talk about how January was their Christmas. All the “New Years Resolution people” would be touring the gym and buying memberships right and left. The regular members would complain that all these “New Years Resolution people” need to go home “cus they are taking all the good treadmills!!” And sure enough, by February 15th they were gone. The same rules apply in church. The entire month of January the parking lot is full, and newcomers are guaranteed to be sitting in your pew when you get there. But, for some reason, things just magically go back to normal by the time March rolls around! Now ask yourself….is she talking about me?? It’s likely that I am, but no worries…here is how we fix it!
Throughout the year we make promises to ourselves, and break every last one of them. The problem is that every time we break a promise to ourselves, we chip away at whatever trust we have in out ability to see things through. Once that trust has diminished, it is much easier to fail repeatedly. Failing repeatedly leads to a feeling of hopelessness…and well, you know how the rest goes! Raise your hand if you have told yourself that you can’t lose weight because “I’ve always been big so this is just how I am” or “I can’t leave this relationship because he/she is not all that bad…at least I have somebody!” This self defeating self talk destroys any possibility you have of being resolute about your decision. Flip the coin and you will see that people who are in shape are that way because they are resolute in their decision to maintain that lifestyle. Those that have success in their careers have that because they were resolute enough not to give up on their dream. We all must make a choice to succeed. Far too often we don’t try and attribute the success of other to luck or good genes.
In my opinion it isn’t enough to simply make a list of what you want to change in the new-year. Frankly, it isn’t enough to make a plan on how to accomplish those goals! I believe that while you are motivated and excited about making this change, you need to make a list of things that are not justifiable reasons not to succeed. For example: If your resolution is to lose weight your list needs to consist of things like “Having a bad day does not justify me not going to the gym….or allowing myself an extra piece of chocolate cake” All of the things that serve as your triggers to bad habits should be addressed on this list. Second, you need to make reasonable milestones for yourself. The average person loses (at most) 2 lbs a week. You should be able to calculate how much weight (give or take) you can lose in 2 months time. Third, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES!!!! Allot yourself two or three mistakes per month and chart them. You want to stay away from the all or nothing attitude as it is not realistic!
Advice Corner
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
When I was a personal trainer, the owners and the sales staff used to talk about how January was their Christmas. All the “New Years Resolution people” would be touring the gym and buying memberships right and left. The regular members would complain that all these “New Years Resolution people” need to go home “cus they are taking all the good treadmills!!” And sure enough, by February 15th they were gone. The same rules apply in church. The entire month of January the parking lot is full, and newcomers are guaranteed to be sitting in your pew when you get there. But, for some reason, things just magically go back to normal by the time March rolls around! Now ask yourself….is she talking about me?? It’s likely that I am, but no worries…here is how we fix it!
Throughout the year we make promises to ourselves, and break every last one of them. The problem is that every time we break a promise to ourselves, we chip away at whatever trust we have in out ability to see things through. Once that trust has diminished, it is much easier to fail repeatedly. Failing repeatedly leads to a feeling of hopelessness…and well, you know how the rest goes! Raise your hand if you have told yourself that you can’t lose weight because “I’ve always been big so this is just how I am” or “I can’t leave this relationship because he/she is not all that bad…at least I have somebody!” This self defeating self talk destroys any possibility you have of being resolute about your decision. Flip the coin and you will see that people who are in shape are that way because they are resolute in their decision to maintain that lifestyle. Those that have success in their careers have that because they were resolute enough not to give up on their dream. We all must make a choice to succeed. Far too often we don’t try and attribute the success of other to luck or good genes.
In my opinion it isn’t enough to simply make a list of what you want to change in the new-year. Frankly, it isn’t enough to make a plan on how to accomplish those goals! I believe that while you are motivated and excited about making this change, you need to make a list of things that are not justifiable reasons not to succeed. For example: If your resolution is to lose weight your list needs to consist of things like “Having a bad day does not justify me not going to the gym….or allowing myself an extra piece of chocolate cake” All of the things that serve as your triggers to bad habits should be addressed on this list. Second, you need to make reasonable milestones for yourself. The average person loses (at most) 2 lbs a week. You should be able to calculate how much weight (give or take) you can lose in 2 months time. Third, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES!!!! Allot yourself two or three mistakes per month and chart them. You want to stay away from the all or nothing attitude as it is not realistic!
Advice Corner
- Always remember that you have the right to have a great relationship, or a successful career, or a bangin’ body! Don’t live your life looking into the window of someone else’s house…BUILD YOUR OWN!
- Creating boundaries prior to starting your plan will keep you in line on the days that you are discouraged
- Make it your business to love yourself enough to make this happen!!!
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
Now WEIGHT a minute!!!
Ok so who is willing to admit that you are excited for the holiday just so you can feed yourself the excuse that “this is the only time of year that I can eat what I want, so I might as well enjoy???” Here are the stats that will hurt your feelings…the average person puts on between five and ten pounds annually, all of which are usually accumulated during the holidays!!! The problem is we don’t take the pounds off…we just put keep putting them on! How do you make it through the season of cookies, cakes, pies, cobblers, ham, mac & cheese, and everything else without digging a deeper weight loss hole to get out of?
Read any fitness magazine and they have recipes full of foods that taste like cardboard and substitutions that make you wonder…why even bother? I think differently about the whole thing. While I am an advocate for a healthy lifestyle, I believe also that we can eat what we want……IN MODERATION!!!!! It is my opinion that when we villainize food, all the power is given to the substance as opposed to you having the power to say I’ve had enough. To “Manage” your weight is to be concerned about the quality and quantity of what you are eating. I realize that for many of you, having a food issue is bigger than measuring out cups of rice and hamburger meat but this still can be done. In other words, you CAN lose weight even if you have a food issue. Small changes in your behavior can create major dents in your uphill battle.
#1) Do not measure your success based on an entire day. Break down how often you are evaluating weather or not you had a successful meal or an unsuccessful meal. Each time you eat is another opportunity to do the right thing so start fresh with a good attitude each time! This approach will help you to minimize sabotaging thoughts like “well I ate that piece of pie for breakfast so the plan is ruined for the day, I might as well try again tomorrow”.
#2) Do not measure your body weight or size against the people around you. (i.e. Your friends and family) It is likely that your primary support group looks a lot like you, and if you are using what I call the “Theory of Relativity,” your current size will always be okay…because “at least I’m not as big as my sister, or my man doesn’t mind.” My Theory of Relativity purports that we compare ourselves to others not to address the true magnitude of our own problem. Instead, you should be concerned only with your body weight and how healthy that is!
#3) I believe that often we eat without even realizing that we have eaten. Snacking can truly undo any work that you have done in terms of calorie expenditure in the gym. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest putting the snacks in a place where they cannot be easily obtained. Placing snacks in an odd or uncomfortable place will help you to think twice about what you are about to do while headed to the snack location. Leaving snacks out on the counter is a guaranteed set up that you will unconsciously eat them continuously. Finally, eat your snack in the mirror. If you are a secretive eater, eating in isolation can cause faulty beliefs regarding how much you have actually eaten. Snacking in the mirror will allow you another opportunity to change your mind about what you are doing, and will keep you from eating secretively.
Advice Corner:
Making small changes can produce BIG results!
Commit to something that you can trust yourself with. Experiencing some success (at least in the beginning) is very important to motivation.
Make your efforts known to someone that will hold you accountable!
Be Blessed~ If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to www.CoachJessica.webs.com
Read any fitness magazine and they have recipes full of foods that taste like cardboard and substitutions that make you wonder…why even bother? I think differently about the whole thing. While I am an advocate for a healthy lifestyle, I believe also that we can eat what we want……IN MODERATION!!!!! It is my opinion that when we villainize food, all the power is given to the substance as opposed to you having the power to say I’ve had enough. To “Manage” your weight is to be concerned about the quality and quantity of what you are eating. I realize that for many of you, having a food issue is bigger than measuring out cups of rice and hamburger meat but this still can be done. In other words, you CAN lose weight even if you have a food issue. Small changes in your behavior can create major dents in your uphill battle.
#1) Do not measure your success based on an entire day. Break down how often you are evaluating weather or not you had a successful meal or an unsuccessful meal. Each time you eat is another opportunity to do the right thing so start fresh with a good attitude each time! This approach will help you to minimize sabotaging thoughts like “well I ate that piece of pie for breakfast so the plan is ruined for the day, I might as well try again tomorrow”.
#2) Do not measure your body weight or size against the people around you. (i.e. Your friends and family) It is likely that your primary support group looks a lot like you, and if you are using what I call the “Theory of Relativity,” your current size will always be okay…because “at least I’m not as big as my sister, or my man doesn’t mind.” My Theory of Relativity purports that we compare ourselves to others not to address the true magnitude of our own problem. Instead, you should be concerned only with your body weight and how healthy that is!
#3) I believe that often we eat without even realizing that we have eaten. Snacking can truly undo any work that you have done in terms of calorie expenditure in the gym. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest putting the snacks in a place where they cannot be easily obtained. Placing snacks in an odd or uncomfortable place will help you to think twice about what you are about to do while headed to the snack location. Leaving snacks out on the counter is a guaranteed set up that you will unconsciously eat them continuously. Finally, eat your snack in the mirror. If you are a secretive eater, eating in isolation can cause faulty beliefs regarding how much you have actually eaten. Snacking in the mirror will allow you another opportunity to change your mind about what you are doing, and will keep you from eating secretively.
Advice Corner:
Making small changes can produce BIG results!
Commit to something that you can trust yourself with. Experiencing some success (at least in the beginning) is very important to motivation.
Make your efforts known to someone that will hold you accountable!
Be Blessed~ If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to www.CoachJessica.webs.com
My Deepest Fear: ME
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marriane Williamson
Disclaimer: I in no way want to assume to purport that everyone reading this message is a Christian or a believer, but this one is especially for those that are.
When we are children, generally, we are given gender specific options about who and what we can be when we grow up. I knew early on that I wanted to be a “Psychologist.” For some of us, the road to our destiny is not always very clear. I’m sure some of you reading this majored in Psychology because it’s the considered to be the closest thing to a non-major that you can get! Or you are working on a job that ….well….is paying the bills. My take on a career is that not only should it be an extension of you, but it must also be in line with the God has planned for you. Many of us work tirelessly day in and day out at a job that we might like but my question is….is it your purpose? We ask God for promotions and status elevations on our jobs but rarely consult him on if this is even the job we should be doing in the first place. So I ask…how can he bless you where you are if you aren’t where he wants you to be?
I know what you are thinking…”Coach, what does my job have to do with God? I help children, or I care for the elderly, or I work for non-profit organization!” However noble and admired your position may be… I am suggesting that you consider that it may not be the position for you. Often we shy away from the gifts that God gives us and instead pursue secondary talents for fear of working at our highest capacity. What does that mean? What we assign ourselves is usually within the can do range, but what God assigns us often appears to be impossible for the sole purpose of growing our faith. Who among you can admit that while you crunch your numbers, and make good money doing it, in the back of your mind you know you should be starting your own wedding planner business (or you fill in the blank). God shows us our assignments through our talents, the things that come most easy to us, the things that we could do even if we were never paid for it. It is up to us to use those in a way that our lives and the lives of those around us can be enriched.
As I stated earlier, I knew I wanted to be a Therapist….it’s just what I do, I can’t even help it! While saving the world one person at a time is noble, it is not the only thing that I was assigned to do. As a child, I also knew I loved to write, but because of a learning disability that went undiagnosed, I believed that I was incapable a producing something that people would even be able to understand. Simply put, I thought I was too dumb to write. So I settled with my secondary talent….helping people. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the very thing I’m hiding from is the only thing that can save me. I would say to myself how silly of you to think that you have anything important to say. No one cares about your opinion, you ain’t Dr. Phill! You will never be recognized for anything you do because you can’t even spell! The very thought of doing what I loved the most stressed me out and felt totally inconceivable! Thankfully, God has this funny little way of making EVERYTHING else around you stop until you do what he has asked you to do. And therein lies the birth of this blog.
I’m sure most of you are familiar with the movie Akeelah and the Bee. More specifically, you will recall the scene when Akeelah is being challenged by Lawrence Fishburne’s character, and he asks her to read the very powerfull poem he has displayed in his office by Marianne Williamson. This poem continues to be one of my favorites and has resonated with me ever since I first heard it! Daring to be the “you” that HE created can be very scary….trust me I know. Functioning at your fullest capacity can be a daunting thought. So many expectations….and what if you fail!?!? Don’t be afraid of who you are. Devote your time to your true talents and real success is sure to follow!
Advice Corner:
• Decipher your talents, and your dreams
• Consult God about the direction you should go
• Don’t ignore the answer once you get it
• Be ready for a wild ride!!!
Be Blessed~ If you have a burning question or need some sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
Disclaimer: I in no way want to assume to purport that everyone reading this message is a Christian or a believer, but this one is especially for those that are.
When we are children, generally, we are given gender specific options about who and what we can be when we grow up. I knew early on that I wanted to be a “Psychologist.” For some of us, the road to our destiny is not always very clear. I’m sure some of you reading this majored in Psychology because it’s the considered to be the closest thing to a non-major that you can get! Or you are working on a job that ….well….is paying the bills. My take on a career is that not only should it be an extension of you, but it must also be in line with the God has planned for you. Many of us work tirelessly day in and day out at a job that we might like but my question is….is it your purpose? We ask God for promotions and status elevations on our jobs but rarely consult him on if this is even the job we should be doing in the first place. So I ask…how can he bless you where you are if you aren’t where he wants you to be?
I know what you are thinking…”Coach, what does my job have to do with God? I help children, or I care for the elderly, or I work for non-profit organization!” However noble and admired your position may be… I am suggesting that you consider that it may not be the position for you. Often we shy away from the gifts that God gives us and instead pursue secondary talents for fear of working at our highest capacity. What does that mean? What we assign ourselves is usually within the can do range, but what God assigns us often appears to be impossible for the sole purpose of growing our faith. Who among you can admit that while you crunch your numbers, and make good money doing it, in the back of your mind you know you should be starting your own wedding planner business (or you fill in the blank). God shows us our assignments through our talents, the things that come most easy to us, the things that we could do even if we were never paid for it. It is up to us to use those in a way that our lives and the lives of those around us can be enriched.
As I stated earlier, I knew I wanted to be a Therapist….it’s just what I do, I can’t even help it! While saving the world one person at a time is noble, it is not the only thing that I was assigned to do. As a child, I also knew I loved to write, but because of a learning disability that went undiagnosed, I believed that I was incapable a producing something that people would even be able to understand. Simply put, I thought I was too dumb to write. So I settled with my secondary talent….helping people. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the very thing I’m hiding from is the only thing that can save me. I would say to myself how silly of you to think that you have anything important to say. No one cares about your opinion, you ain’t Dr. Phill! You will never be recognized for anything you do because you can’t even spell! The very thought of doing what I loved the most stressed me out and felt totally inconceivable! Thankfully, God has this funny little way of making EVERYTHING else around you stop until you do what he has asked you to do. And therein lies the birth of this blog.
I’m sure most of you are familiar with the movie Akeelah and the Bee. More specifically, you will recall the scene when Akeelah is being challenged by Lawrence Fishburne’s character, and he asks her to read the very powerfull poem he has displayed in his office by Marianne Williamson. This poem continues to be one of my favorites and has resonated with me ever since I first heard it! Daring to be the “you” that HE created can be very scary….trust me I know. Functioning at your fullest capacity can be a daunting thought. So many expectations….and what if you fail!?!? Don’t be afraid of who you are. Devote your time to your true talents and real success is sure to follow!
Advice Corner:
• Decipher your talents, and your dreams
• Consult God about the direction you should go
• Don’t ignore the answer once you get it
• Be ready for a wild ride!!!
Be Blessed~ If you have a burning question or need some sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
I Have Clearly Pissed God Off!!
After much contemplation about the direction my life had taken I was slowly beginning to think “ok….I have CLEARLY pissed God off!!” How is it possible that all these people out here who obviously don’t have intentions as good as mine, who don’t work as hard as I do to be productive or help others along the way are all thriving while I’m left behind?!? What have I done to deserve the difficulty that I am facing? In other words….NO FAIR!!!!
My guess is that nobody wants to hear another motivational speech about how the challenges we face are only there to make us stronger! I sure don’t. Instead, I intend to take another approach. The truth is, nobody’s life is peaches and cream all the time. Just ask Kanye West, he is calling himself a Douche Bag to get back into the good graces of his fans after what seems to have been a very rough patch in his life. The purpose of this message is to remind us (myself included) to get over our delusional thinking that we somehow can skip the step of having a cross to bear.Crosses come in many forms. Last week I spoke about single women, and some of you may be asking why me. Others may have lost a job, or a parent, or something that you consider near and dear or sacred. Maybe you have a child born with a severe health condition and a long road ahead. Whatever the cross, they all seem like impossible, insurmountable obstacles that we may never get over. Though I would love to tell you that you will, I vowed to always tell the truth. So…..will you move beyond this difficult time in your life or are you doomed to live this situation out as your reality forever? The answer is that the choice is yours. I know what you’re thinking “I knew she was going to say that!” but it’s true!!
Consider this…would your life not be pretty darn close to perfect if that one thing you were struggling with would just go away? Yes, you may have some other things that are not all the way in place, but they don’t serve as a thorn in your side the way your “cross” does. When you think about it, it’s rather ridiculous to realize that one thing in your life not going the way you want can be blamed for the anguish you have been feeling. There came a time that I had to ask myself…why do you deserve to live a perfect life? Why is it your privilege to live struggle free, but not others? Most importantly, if you are not striving, how are you growing? The bare bones of shedding old skin and developing a thicker new one cannot be accomplished without wiggling around in the dirt somehow!
So after drying my tears and putting a new coat of mascara on, I realized that I better get on with learning this lesson, not to prolong the test! A very dear friend of mine lost her sister in the prime of her youth. She had the opportunity to sink into depression, and turn away from her lofty goals of becoming a Cancer Researcher, but oddly enough, she kept going. Soon after the loss of her sister, she became pregnant while in graduate school. So here we have a grieving, unwed, soon-to-be single mother, who is about to move away from her entire support group to complete a very difficult graduate program. She never stopped, and not once did I ever hear her complain. The product of her misery is a beautiful daughter who now has a wise, highly educated, and well-adjusted mother to look up to. How could she be all these things to this baby had she not turned on her flashlight during her darkest hour, and kept walking? To this day, I don’t know how this young lady finds the courage to press on, but it is in her story that I find strength. Had she not experienced all of these things in such a hard hitting and unforgiving way, I would still be looking at my situation and saying “I have clearly pissed God off!”
Advice corner:• Get a hold of yourself! Your struggle may not be for you. It just might be for the benefit of someone else. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to see it through and become whoever you are supposed to be on the other side of it.
• If you refuse to learn the lesson, you WILL repeat the test! So make a conscious effort to “get it!”
• Remember that people are watching you (this includes your children) you have a wonderful opportunity to show true grace under fire.
• Misery loves company, so be carefull when chosing your company!
My guess is that nobody wants to hear another motivational speech about how the challenges we face are only there to make us stronger! I sure don’t. Instead, I intend to take another approach. The truth is, nobody’s life is peaches and cream all the time. Just ask Kanye West, he is calling himself a Douche Bag to get back into the good graces of his fans after what seems to have been a very rough patch in his life. The purpose of this message is to remind us (myself included) to get over our delusional thinking that we somehow can skip the step of having a cross to bear.Crosses come in many forms. Last week I spoke about single women, and some of you may be asking why me. Others may have lost a job, or a parent, or something that you consider near and dear or sacred. Maybe you have a child born with a severe health condition and a long road ahead. Whatever the cross, they all seem like impossible, insurmountable obstacles that we may never get over. Though I would love to tell you that you will, I vowed to always tell the truth. So…..will you move beyond this difficult time in your life or are you doomed to live this situation out as your reality forever? The answer is that the choice is yours. I know what you’re thinking “I knew she was going to say that!” but it’s true!!
Consider this…would your life not be pretty darn close to perfect if that one thing you were struggling with would just go away? Yes, you may have some other things that are not all the way in place, but they don’t serve as a thorn in your side the way your “cross” does. When you think about it, it’s rather ridiculous to realize that one thing in your life not going the way you want can be blamed for the anguish you have been feeling. There came a time that I had to ask myself…why do you deserve to live a perfect life? Why is it your privilege to live struggle free, but not others? Most importantly, if you are not striving, how are you growing? The bare bones of shedding old skin and developing a thicker new one cannot be accomplished without wiggling around in the dirt somehow!
So after drying my tears and putting a new coat of mascara on, I realized that I better get on with learning this lesson, not to prolong the test! A very dear friend of mine lost her sister in the prime of her youth. She had the opportunity to sink into depression, and turn away from her lofty goals of becoming a Cancer Researcher, but oddly enough, she kept going. Soon after the loss of her sister, she became pregnant while in graduate school. So here we have a grieving, unwed, soon-to-be single mother, who is about to move away from her entire support group to complete a very difficult graduate program. She never stopped, and not once did I ever hear her complain. The product of her misery is a beautiful daughter who now has a wise, highly educated, and well-adjusted mother to look up to. How could she be all these things to this baby had she not turned on her flashlight during her darkest hour, and kept walking? To this day, I don’t know how this young lady finds the courage to press on, but it is in her story that I find strength. Had she not experienced all of these things in such a hard hitting and unforgiving way, I would still be looking at my situation and saying “I have clearly pissed God off!”
Advice corner:• Get a hold of yourself! Your struggle may not be for you. It just might be for the benefit of someone else. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to see it through and become whoever you are supposed to be on the other side of it.
• If you refuse to learn the lesson, you WILL repeat the test! So make a conscious effort to “get it!”
• Remember that people are watching you (this includes your children) you have a wonderful opportunity to show true grace under fire.
• Misery loves company, so be carefull when chosing your company!
Be Blessed!
~Coach Jessica
All My Single Ladies!!!
All My Single Lad
Please watch this clip before reading this entry as we all need to understand the context of this conversation.
I thought it would be a good idea to discuss the serious over and undertones infused.
As we (women) approach our 30's, it is made abundantly clear by our Aunties, Mamma's, and Grandma's that its time to settle down and find a nice man. But what happens when the nice man you have been looking for appears to be hiding? Well, I may be married but I have way more single friends, family members, and acquaintances than I do married one's, so I would like to examine why we (Black 30 something) women are not getting married!
In the clip, the depiction of this women clearly shows that she is confused about what she wants, what her standards are, and even the origin of her beliefs. She quotes scripture but quickly dismisses anything that creates discomfort, and looks to the potential suitor to get on her roller coaster and like it (DAMN IT!). Though I know that real life is a lot more complicated than what this cartoon is suggesting, I have to say this clip rings true for many of us.....I'm even talking about us married gals!
The other day I was watching an episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (don't judge me) and one housewife said to another "you deserve to have it all!!" Unfortunately, we as a society ascribe to this belief. That all things attainable SHOULD belong to us. I say this way of thinking can be detrimental to our happiness!! Of course EVERYONE needs to develop standards and deal breakers before entering a serious relationship just to create some checks and balances for yourself, but when you think that you are not required to work through some mess and crack open that dusty oyster before getting to the beautiful pearl.....you are sadly mistaken.
My observation is that women in their thirties feel that they have been through enough already. They have a been there and done that attitude toward the dating scene. They feel that because other men have betrayed their trust, acted immaturely, or created uncomfortable situations, that they have somehow payed their dues. The way I see it: Every man you encounter MUST be given a blank slate from which he can begin or your potential relationship won't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. In all fairness, we ALL have baggage, so what I am suggesting is that you become VERY aware of what your particular baggage is. Otherwise your emotional crap could become all his fault without either of you realizing it.
For example: Lets say your baggage is insecurity. Your new man works long hours for a demanding boss. All you want him to do is call you throughout the day and during his car ride home for check ins, but he states this is not possible with his schedule. You begin thinking "maybe he is seeing someone else!" Soon your attitude changes toward him because you think he likes his co-workers better than you. You both begin to bicker because he has begun to react to your attitude toward him (which he does not understand). Unfortunately, the conversation soon turns to 'I want to be in a relationship where I am happy...we fight all the time so whats the point of being together? This is an example of a relationship that didn't have a chance because her insecurity manifested itself in the form of an attitude! How she really felt was never expressed and unfortunately, her attitude set the tone for the entire relationship.
Likewise there are some 30 something women who feel that because they are 30 something, that somehow exempts them from the courting process. The attitude seems to be that because I'm ready to get married and have children, any potential suitor that I meet needs to be that same page (TODAY). Again, I believe this is faulty thinking! Your chronological age does not determine nor can it change the natural progression of a relationship. Once you start introducing time lines and deadlines...even if only to yourself, your behavior changes and a certain desperation appears. The men you date are well aware of your age and what society tells you should happen around it. They don't need to be reminded on the 2nd date that oh...."I want kids!" If he asks, answer honestly, but then put a period on it.
And to my independent women who have their own homes, jobs, and cars. To the ones who have everything they want because THEY bought it for themselves. I'm going to tell you what nobody else will. There is a certain softness that you tend to lack. I know it is rough out there, in more ways than one, but if you are looking for a man who is a soft place to fall, you must be willing to fall. Times have changed and no one has yet written a book on how to navigate submitting after being the head of the household for so long, but know that this is something you must do if it is a traditional man with traditional values that you seek.
Advice Corner:
I know that there are exceptions to every rule but on this occasion, pretend that you are not the exception.
- Determine what your baggage is,
- Consider how it may have infiltrated your past relationships and masked itself as wrong doings on your partner's part.
- See a therapist to release feelings that were previously denied regarding absent or abusive fathers.
- And always believe that there IS a man out there for you!
Coach Jessica
Is is ADHD or is it Me???
Greetings!
I woke up this morning with this issue heavily embedded in my mind for some reason, so I'm going to take the opportunity to write about ADHD and our children.
Is it me or does anyone else see a correlation between the rise in our sedentary, and work-aholic lifestyles, and the rate of ADHD diagnoses in our children? It seems to me that something has to be skewed, or at the very least, something needs to be investigated if ADHD will continue to be used as a reason for the lack of success that our children are experiencing.
Remember when we were kids and we HAD to go outside? In some houses you weren't even aloud to come inside until dinner was ready! Those days are gone, especially for families living in the inner city. Playing outside in this day in age can literally be a hazard! What about the days when bills being payed and food being on the table was enough? Now parents are strugging just to provide extras like cell phones and designer jeans. Since the focus has seemingly shifted to giving our children material things, the very thing they need to most (YOU) is never around.
I am in no way suggesting that every School Psychologist or outside clinician is wrong in their diagnostic practices. Certainly, they have witnessed these symptoms, and have been provided with parent and teacher reports that all say the same thing....."he can't sit still; she won't be quiet; he is so disrespectful" and countless other complaints that come from parents and school staff alike. What I am suggesting is that before we ascribe to whatever these individuals label our children to be, we MUST take their environment and our contribution (as a parent) to it under strong consideration. "So what are you saying Coach?" Bottom line: Some possibilities need to be exhausted before we continue to place blame and labels on innocent children.
What do I mean??? Well for starters, before you sign the bottom of those IEP papers check your child's diet! If you are sending him to school loaded up on Sodas, candy, cheese curls, and other food that has ZERO nutritional value, I can guarantee this will have an adverse effect on his education. Requiring no exercise and them pumping her full of sugar is a recipe for disaster! And how unfair of a request is it to ask a child, who already has an abundance of energy not to expend it in positive ways, and compound the issue by way of malnourishment?!?! I haven't even mentioned what poor nutrition does to your brain, but understand that this should be one of the first places you start when you are seeing hyperactive behaviors in your child.
Second, have you been to your daughter's classroom and just sat there the entire day? From my experience as a School Counselor, many-a-attitude changed when a parent or a highly regarded adult unexpectedly came to observe the environment. Not to mention that you may come to observe one thing but be enlightened to something totally different.
Advice Corner:
This entry is chock full of advice but I wanted to drive home the point that you owe it to your children to make the effort to be there for them as much as possible. If you focus most on absolute needs, secondary problems tend take care of themselves!
Be Blessed!!
I woke up this morning with this issue heavily embedded in my mind for some reason, so I'm going to take the opportunity to write about ADHD and our children.
Is it me or does anyone else see a correlation between the rise in our sedentary, and work-aholic lifestyles, and the rate of ADHD diagnoses in our children? It seems to me that something has to be skewed, or at the very least, something needs to be investigated if ADHD will continue to be used as a reason for the lack of success that our children are experiencing.
Remember when we were kids and we HAD to go outside? In some houses you weren't even aloud to come inside until dinner was ready! Those days are gone, especially for families living in the inner city. Playing outside in this day in age can literally be a hazard! What about the days when bills being payed and food being on the table was enough? Now parents are strugging just to provide extras like cell phones and designer jeans. Since the focus has seemingly shifted to giving our children material things, the very thing they need to most (YOU) is never around.
I am in no way suggesting that every School Psychologist or outside clinician is wrong in their diagnostic practices. Certainly, they have witnessed these symptoms, and have been provided with parent and teacher reports that all say the same thing....."he can't sit still; she won't be quiet; he is so disrespectful" and countless other complaints that come from parents and school staff alike. What I am suggesting is that before we ascribe to whatever these individuals label our children to be, we MUST take their environment and our contribution (as a parent) to it under strong consideration. "So what are you saying Coach?" Bottom line: Some possibilities need to be exhausted before we continue to place blame and labels on innocent children.
What do I mean??? Well for starters, before you sign the bottom of those IEP papers check your child's diet! If you are sending him to school loaded up on Sodas, candy, cheese curls, and other food that has ZERO nutritional value, I can guarantee this will have an adverse effect on his education. Requiring no exercise and them pumping her full of sugar is a recipe for disaster! And how unfair of a request is it to ask a child, who already has an abundance of energy not to expend it in positive ways, and compound the issue by way of malnourishment?!?! I haven't even mentioned what poor nutrition does to your brain, but understand that this should be one of the first places you start when you are seeing hyperactive behaviors in your child.
Second, have you been to your daughter's classroom and just sat there the entire day? From my experience as a School Counselor, many-a-attitude changed when a parent or a highly regarded adult unexpectedly came to observe the environment. Not to mention that you may come to observe one thing but be enlightened to something totally different.
- The teaching style in the classroom may not be the most effective for your child. Or perhaps there are other things in the environment that are serving as a barrier to the learning process.
- Look at his work samples.
- Ask the teacher if he is advanced or significantly behind in his work. If she is bored or being left behind, a host of behavior problem could ensue. Sometimes a Learning Disability is a more appropriate diagnosis than ADHD.
- Have your child's eyes checked. Not being able to see could also cause a negative reaction to the learning environment.
Advice Corner:
This entry is chock full of advice but I wanted to drive home the point that you owe it to your children to make the effort to be there for them as much as possible. If you focus most on absolute needs, secondary problems tend take care of themselves!
Be Blessed!!
Surviving Setbacks
Hello People-
For my introductory post I decided to write about a topic that has touched many of our lives in recent days. With the unemployment rates floating around 10%, it is likely that someone reading this is either unemployed or underemployed. Perhaps you have lost your home or transportation due to this failed economy; any way you slice it, this was NOT the plan you had for your life. Well the truth is, you are not the only one feeling the pinch.
Part of my journey to Life Coaching began with a series of setbacks. From working in environments that did not support my ethical principals to actually losing my job. Trust me, I am no stranger to disappointments. Soon after losing my job (that I hated!) I began flailing. Looking for work any and everywhere I could find it. But to my dissmay NOTHING was working out for me. Never in my life did I have a problem obtaining a job when I needed one, but here I was with all the doors around me slammed in my face and no options or promise for the future. I am a very spiritual person and I believe fully that we all have a predetermined purpose that we must fulfill in this world. Going against the grain of that purpose, in my experience, leads to nothing but trouble. So I did what I had been doing all along and sought guidance from the most high, but this time.......I listened.
Suddenly it was abundantly clear what I had to do. In the midts of scrapping up the money for the mortgage every month, and affording my daughters most of the luxuries they enjoy, the reality of being underemployed was hitting me like a ton of bricks! I had to realize several things about myself:
#1. I am not built to be someone elses employee
#2. I have to work in an environment where I can create
#3. I have to be able to effect positive change in the lives of others
#4. I have to be in control of my schedule such that my children will be raised my me, and my husband's needs are being feed.
I knew that advice giving has always been a part of who I am, and as a Therapist, I knew I was really good at it. So the decision to move full steam ahead into life coaching seemed like an easy one (seemed being the operative word). Nothing worth having is easily obtained so I have resigned to the idea that everyday it is my resposibility to work at making my dream come true!
Advice Corner:
The only true way to survive a setback is to keep going! Everyday that you rise from your bed is another opportunity to give it another shot. Become very in tune with who you are as an individual , and don't discount your needs. It is within your needs that you find your solution. Don't settle for whatever comes along....yes do what you must to sustain your home and family, but that should not become your permenent reality. Stay hyper focused on your goal and envision yourself in that position as often as possible.
Good Luck....and GET GOING!
Coach Jessica
For my introductory post I decided to write about a topic that has touched many of our lives in recent days. With the unemployment rates floating around 10%, it is likely that someone reading this is either unemployed or underemployed. Perhaps you have lost your home or transportation due to this failed economy; any way you slice it, this was NOT the plan you had for your life. Well the truth is, you are not the only one feeling the pinch.
Part of my journey to Life Coaching began with a series of setbacks. From working in environments that did not support my ethical principals to actually losing my job. Trust me, I am no stranger to disappointments. Soon after losing my job (that I hated!) I began flailing. Looking for work any and everywhere I could find it. But to my dissmay NOTHING was working out for me. Never in my life did I have a problem obtaining a job when I needed one, but here I was with all the doors around me slammed in my face and no options or promise for the future. I am a very spiritual person and I believe fully that we all have a predetermined purpose that we must fulfill in this world. Going against the grain of that purpose, in my experience, leads to nothing but trouble. So I did what I had been doing all along and sought guidance from the most high, but this time.......I listened.
Suddenly it was abundantly clear what I had to do. In the midts of scrapping up the money for the mortgage every month, and affording my daughters most of the luxuries they enjoy, the reality of being underemployed was hitting me like a ton of bricks! I had to realize several things about myself:
#1. I am not built to be someone elses employee
#2. I have to work in an environment where I can create
#3. I have to be able to effect positive change in the lives of others
#4. I have to be in control of my schedule such that my children will be raised my me, and my husband's needs are being feed.
I knew that advice giving has always been a part of who I am, and as a Therapist, I knew I was really good at it. So the decision to move full steam ahead into life coaching seemed like an easy one (seemed being the operative word). Nothing worth having is easily obtained so I have resigned to the idea that everyday it is my resposibility to work at making my dream come true!
Advice Corner:
The only true way to survive a setback is to keep going! Everyday that you rise from your bed is another opportunity to give it another shot. Become very in tune with who you are as an individual , and don't discount your needs. It is within your needs that you find your solution. Don't settle for whatever comes along....yes do what you must to sustain your home and family, but that should not become your permenent reality. Stay hyper focused on your goal and envision yourself in that position as often as possible.
Good Luck....and GET GOING!
Coach Jessica
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