It doesn’t matter what it is…..only what it looks like!

Like I always say, perception is 9/10 of the law.  How we present and what others perceive us to be determines how we are treated, and what we will get from others. So the purpose of this post is to beg the question….do your insides look like the outside?

I’m sure you have an idea of the image that you portray, confident, smart, sexy or talented. But are the things you believe to be true about yourself consistent with what the rest of the world sees?  I am a very capable, kind compassionate, and fun-loving therapist, but if I walked in a session wearing a suit buttoned up to my nose and gave everyone the evil eye, I doubt that anyone would feel comfortable relating to me enough to share their personal lives.

So often we are frustrated with other people for not treating us the way we feel we should be treated, when in actuality, the image we project is far from what we truly are inside.  Some of you may be sensitive, quiet, and unassuming but for whatever reason you present as loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Unfortunately, you are shocked to find that when others react to you, it is usually unfavorable, which leaves you wondering why people are so mean to you.

We all have a social face that we put on for people outside of those closest to us (and sometime even for them).  But generally speaking, if you gathered 5 different people from 5 different circles in which you are involved, much of what they say should be consistent.  In turn, their words should match how you feel about yourself.  If that is not the case, you need to investigate why you lack authenticity in certain areas of your life.

Example: The lady I sit next to in church, the girl I talk to at work and my child’s teacher should be using similar adjectives to describe me.  And in comparison, I should be using similar adjectives to describe myself.  If you are unclear about how you are perceived, complete this short test with people whom you feel will give you an honest opinion.  Start with your own:

Authenticity Test

1. Answer the question, what are five adjectives I would use to describe myself?
2. Ask individuals from different groups to use five adjectives to describe you from their perspective.
3. Compare notes

This is a very simple test, but one that is very telling as well.  Living an authentic life is not easy.  You have to love and accept yourself enough to expose most of who you are to everyone…flaws and all.  But the fight to appear different from what you actually are can be stressful and is a futile effort. So it’s worth it to be you!

Advice Corner:

1. Take the authenticity test
2. Search within yourself to find areas of inconsistency.  It is likely that there are insecurities lurking close by.
3. Believe the positive things you say about yourself, then act accordingly!

~Be Blessed Coach Jessica

Coach Jessica will be coming soon to You Tube with more advice on many topics!

Coach Jessica: Disappointment

Coach Jessica: Disappointment: Disappointment is relative. I am disappointed that I didn’t get what I want, but won’t I be disappointed when I see that what I thought I ...

Disappointment

Disappointment is relative.  I am disappointed that I didn’t get what I want, but won’t I be disappointed when I see that what I thought I wanted isn’t really what I was searching for?  Swallowing the notion that willing “good things” to happen in your life brings strife.  Though it is a difficult task, staying focused on the place you are in, giving full attention and energy to this position however low or beneath you, will clear away the clouds of disappointment.  What we want is always somehow tied up into our ability to relax.  All we really want is for life to be easy, to live like other people do.  The truth is….you are the other people.  As you read this, someone is envious of you, where you are in life, or what you have. Yet you still want.  Disappointment is routed in fear.  The idea that maybe I will never reach the place I have spent so much time trying to go. The feeling that all I got is all I will ever have and the fairytale that is the good life only happens to other people.  The truth is the good life you seek is the one you are ignoring.  We are all on a quest to have it easy.  The ones that abandon this quest and embrace the struggle are the ones who are able to laugh in the face of disappointment.  It rarely is what it looks like.  Analyze your fear there-in you will find your weakness.  To be disappointed is to live. There will come a day when disappointment will be no more and the ease of life that you pursued so vigorously will be your reward for living through it all.

Advice Needed!!!

Dear Coach,

I saw your blog and glanced over the WTF article. I could use some advice. Let’s us say that your husband is emotionally abusive, and told you that if you decide to leave the relationship, he would assume full custody of your kids. How would you handle that? If you decide to forgive, how do you get to the point where you have that "oo ah" feeling again?

~WTF…but don’t know how!

Dear WTF,

I think the first thing you must do is address the abuse. If your husband is physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive, this is not a healthy or viable relationship to stay in. Additionally, your children are exposed to behaviors that put them at a higher risk of Depression, Suicide, low self-esteem, and potentially becoming ½ of an abusive relationship themselves. It sounds as if your husband does not intend to stop what he is doing which leaves the ball in your court to make the next move for you and your children.

Regarding the custody, no judge is going to grant either parent FULL custody unless the other is proven to be unfit. Your breakup may not be amicable, but that doesn’t mean that he will be granted total rights to your children. It sounds to me that he is using scare tactics to manipulate your decision. My advice is to do your research. Find out what the law says in your state in regards to custody and base your decision on fact and not assumption!

P.S. You can forgive….but from a distance!

My prayers are with you and your family

~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/

WTF????

Today I want to drop the F bomb and ask the question Want To Forgive??? Yep I said it. It’s the thorn in EVERYONE’S side that haunts our lives from top to bottom. We all pretend to forgive others of their trespasses against us, but the truth is that most of us really don’t know how. I’m sure many of you have heard the sentiment that unforgiveness hurts you more than the person that you refuse to forgive, so I would like to speak more in depth about how unforgivness might be rearing its ugly head in your life. How do you forgive someone who continues to hurt you? While I am in no way suggesting that anyone subject themselves to abuse (in any form) from others, I believe there is a way to coexist with those that we are “obligated” to love and experience true freedom all at once.


By nature, we want to forgive our parents, give them another chance, and hand over our hearts just one more time in hopes that they get it right this time. But what happens when they never come through? Recently, while assisting a client struggling with trusting others (males in particular), with finding the right path regarding her sexuality, I had an epiphany. Here we have a young lady who never trusted her father due to his struggle with addiction in her youth, whose unforgiveness of her father has encouraged her to believe that men are not meant to be trusted, and as a result, her sexuality is in question.

Your reluctance to forgive can control your life in many ways…ways that are not obvious and do not make themselves seen on the surface. I believe that most of the problematic situations that we find ourselves in can be traced back to unforgiveness in some form. Weather you abuse drugs, over-eat, or are overly promiscuous, the origins of these behaviors tend to be linked to someone’s inability to give you something you needed in the past. Had they said “I’m sorry,” or even shown some sort of remorse…surely you would not hurt as badly as you do now. What do you do when the person who has hurt you doesn’t even know they need to apologize?

Recognize that the very thing they keep doing to you has NOTHING to do with you. Don’t assume that someone is purposefully withholding your needs, but instead consider that they are not equipped to fulfill them. What am I saying? People cannot give you what they do not have. My afore mentioned client complained “whenever I talk to my dad…it’s all about him!....he doesn’t even know me” What I took from that statement was that she is hurt that her father doesn’t care enough to ask her questions about her life or simply offer himself to be available to her should she need him. She was looking for her father to be…well…a father. The problem is it appears that at this stage of his life, he is incapable of that very task. So without realizing it, she made every man that she would encounter a villain and not worthy of trust or love. She chose not to deal with her hurt by forgiving her father of his incompetence, and carried it over to the remainder of the male species.

I chose to use this example because unforgiveness is one of the sneakiest contributors to personal dissatisfaction there is. Carrying resentment sews a seed that grows into many different problems that we tend to attribute to other situations and people. Imagine how much more fulfilled African Americans would be if they collectively chose to forgive. Could they be a people who value thier women, and refuse to reduce thier men to being only good for a romp in the sak? Maybe they could finally love who they are and not be consumed with having more things than they can afford....just a thought.

I encourage you to seek out your place of unforgiveness, and make a conscious effort to free yourself! Forgiveness has nothing to do with you changing the other person, but instead you must change how you perceive that person and what thier wrong doing means to you. Never forget that at some point you will need to be forgiven, and I can only hope that you will be afforded the opportunity to be who you are at that time….flaws and all!

*I want to give special thanks to those of you who provide me with inspiration for these postings, and for allowing me to inspire others with your story!*~You know who you are ;-)

Be Blessed!!

~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/

How to Stay Resolute in Your Resolution!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!! With 2011 fast approaching, I’m sure many of you are beginning to consider what things you would like to leave behind in 2010. New Year’s Resolutions have been a time honored tradition since Jesus walked the earth, and I don’t foresee them going anywhere. So what is yours? Are you trying to lose weight, finally getting rid of that bad relationship, moving a good relationship forward, changing career paths, or “getting’ right with Jesus? Whatever your resolution, you are about to embark on a journey that will change your life for the better….or so we hope.

When I was a personal trainer, the owners and the sales staff used to talk about how January was their Christmas. All the “New Years Resolution people” would be touring the gym and buying memberships right and left. The regular members would complain that all these “New Years Resolution people” need to go home “cus they are taking all the good treadmills!!” And sure enough, by February 15th they were gone. The same rules apply in church. The entire month of January the parking lot is full, and newcomers are guaranteed to be sitting in your pew when you get there. But, for some reason, things just magically go back to normal by the time March rolls around! Now ask yourself….is she talking about me?? It’s likely that I am, but no worries…here is how we fix it!

Throughout the year we make promises to ourselves, and break every last one of them. The problem is that every time we break a promise to ourselves, we chip away at whatever trust we have in out ability to see things through. Once that trust has diminished, it is much easier to fail repeatedly. Failing repeatedly leads to a feeling of hopelessness…and well, you know how the rest goes! Raise your hand if you have told yourself that you can’t lose weight because “I’ve always been big so this is just how I am” or “I can’t leave this relationship because he/she is not all that bad…at least I have somebody!” This self defeating self talk destroys any possibility you have of being resolute about your decision. Flip the coin and you will see that people who are in shape are that way because they are resolute in their decision to maintain that lifestyle. Those that have success in their careers have that because they were resolute enough not to give up on their dream. We all must make a choice to succeed. Far too often we don’t try and attribute the success of other to luck or good genes.

In my opinion it isn’t enough to simply make a list of what you want to change in the new-year. Frankly, it isn’t enough to make a plan on how to accomplish those goals! I believe that while you are motivated and excited about making this change, you need to make a list of things that are not justifiable reasons not to succeed. For example: If your resolution is to lose weight your list needs to consist of things like “Having a bad day does not justify me not going to the gym….or allowing myself an extra piece of chocolate cake” All of the things that serve as your triggers to bad habits should be addressed on this list. Second, you need to make reasonable milestones for yourself. The average person loses (at most) 2 lbs a week. You should be able to calculate how much weight (give or take) you can lose in 2 months time. Third, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES!!!! Allot yourself two or three mistakes per month and chart them. You want to stay away from the all or nothing attitude as it is not realistic!

Advice Corner

1. Always remember that you have the right to have a great relationship, or a successful career, or a bangin’ body! Don’t live your life looking into the window of someone else’s house…BUILD YOUR OWN!
2. Creating boundaries prior to starting your plan will keep you in line on the days that you are discouraged
3. Make it your business to love yourself enough to make this happen!!!

GOOD LUCK and Be Blessed!!
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/

Now WEIGHT a minute!!!

Ok so who is willing to admit that you are excited for the holiday just so you can feed yourself the excuse that “this is the only time of year that I can eat what I want, so I might as well enjoy???” Here are the stats that will hurt your feelings…the average person puts on between five and ten pounds annually, all of which are usually accumulated during the holidays!!! The problem is we don’t take the pounds off…we just put keep putting them on! How do you make it through the season of cookies, cakes, pies, cobblers, ham, mac & cheese, and everything else without digging a deeper weight loss hole to get out of?

Read any fitness magazine and they have recipes full of foods that taste like cardboard and substitutions that make you wonder…why even bother? I think differently about the whole thing. While I am an advocate for a healthy lifestyle, I believe also that we can eat what we want……IN MODERATION!!!!! It is my opinion that when we villainize food, all the power is given to the substance as opposed to you having the power to say I’ve had enough. To “Manage” your weight is to be concerned about the quality and quantity of what you are eating. I realize that for many of you, having a food issue is bigger than measuring out cups of rice and hamburger meat but this still can be done. In other words, you CAN lose weight even if you have a food issue. Small changes in your behavior can create major dents in your uphill battle.

#1) Do not measure your success based on an entire day. Break down how often you are evaluating weather or not you had a successful meal or an unsuccessful meal. Each time you eat is another opportunity to do the right thing so start fresh with a good attitude each time! This approach will help you to minimize sabotaging thoughts like “well I ate that piece of pie for breakfast so the plan is ruined for the day, I might as well try again tomorrow”.

#2) Do not measure your body weight or size against the people around you. (i.e. Your friends and family) It is likely that your primary support group looks a lot like you, and if you are using what I call the “Theory of Relativity,” your current size will always be okay…because “at least I’m not as big as my sister, or my man doesn’t mind.” My Theory of Relativity purports that we compare ourselves to others not to address the true magnitude of our own problem. Instead, you should be concerned only with your body weight and how healthy that is!

#3) I believe that often we eat without even realizing that we have eaten. Snacking can truly undo any work that you have done in terms of calorie expenditure in the gym. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest putting the snacks in a place where they cannot be easily obtained. Placing snacks in an odd or uncomfortable place will help you to think twice about what you are about to do while headed to the snack location. Leaving snacks out on the counter is a guaranteed set up that you will unconsciously eat them continuously. Finally, eat your snack in the mirror. If you are a secretive eater, eating in isolation can cause faulty beliefs regarding how much you have actually eaten. Snacking in the mirror will allow you another opportunity to change your mind about what you are doing, and will keep you from eating secretively.
Advice Corner:
 Making small changes can produce BIG results!
 Commit to something that you can trust yourself with. Experiencing some success (at least in the beginning) is very important to motivation.
 Make your efforts known to someone that will hold you accountable!
Be Blessed~ If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to www.CoachJessica.webs.com