Today I want to drop the F bomb and ask the question Want To Forgive??? Yep I said it. It’s the thorn in EVERYONE’S side that haunts our lives from top to bottom. We all pretend to forgive others of their trespasses against us, but the truth is that most of us really don’t know how. I’m sure many of you have heard the sentiment that unforgiveness hurts you more than the person that you refuse to forgive, so I would like to speak more in depth about how unforgivness might be rearing its ugly head in your life. How do you forgive someone who continues to hurt you? While I am in no way suggesting that anyone subject themselves to abuse (in any form) from others, I believe there is a way to coexist with those that we are “obligated” to love and experience true freedom all at once.
By nature, we want to forgive our parents, give them another chance, and hand over our hearts just one more time in hopes that they get it right this time. But what happens when they never come through? Recently, while assisting a client struggling with trusting others (males in particular), with finding the right path regarding her sexuality, I had an epiphany. Here we have a young lady who never trusted her father due to his struggle with addiction in her youth, whose unforgiveness of her father has encouraged her to believe that men are not meant to be trusted, and as a result, her sexuality is in question.
Your reluctance to forgive can control your life in many ways…ways that are not obvious and do not make themselves seen on the surface. I believe that most of the problematic situations that we find ourselves in can be traced back to unforgiveness in some form. Weather you abuse drugs, over-eat, or are overly promiscuous, the origins of these behaviors tend to be linked to someone’s inability to give you something you needed in the past. Had they said “I’m sorry,” or even shown some sort of remorse…surely you would not hurt as badly as you do now. What do you do when the person who has hurt you doesn’t even know they need to apologize?
Recognize that the very thing they keep doing to you has NOTHING to do with you. Don’t assume that someone is purposefully withholding your needs, but instead consider that they are not equipped to fulfill them. What am I saying? People cannot give you what they do not have. My afore mentioned client complained “whenever I talk to my dad…it’s all about him!....he doesn’t even know me” What I took from that statement was that she is hurt that her father doesn’t care enough to ask her questions about her life or simply offer himself to be available to her should she need him. She was looking for her father to be…well…a father. The problem is it appears that at this stage of his life, he is incapable of that very task. So without realizing it, she made every man that she would encounter a villain and not worthy of trust or love. She chose not to deal with her hurt by forgiving her father of his incompetence, and carried it over to the remainder of the male species.
I chose to use this example because unforgiveness is one of the sneakiest contributors to personal dissatisfaction there is. Carrying resentment sews a seed that grows into many different problems that we tend to attribute to other situations and people. Imagine how much more fulfilled African Americans would be if they collectively chose to forgive. Could they be a people who value thier women, and refuse to reduce thier men to being only good for a romp in the sak? Maybe they could finally love who they are and not be consumed with having more things than they can afford....just a thought.
I encourage you to seek out your place of unforgiveness, and make a conscious effort to free yourself! Forgiveness has nothing to do with you changing the other person, but instead you must change how you perceive that person and what thier wrong doing means to you. Never forget that at some point you will need to be forgiven, and I can only hope that you will be afforded the opportunity to be who you are at that time….flaws and all!
*I want to give special thanks to those of you who provide me with inspiration for these postings, and for allowing me to inspire others with your story!*~You know who you are ;-)
Be Blessed!!
~Coach Jessica
If you have a burning question or need sensible, sound advice, go to http://www.coachjessica.webs.com/
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