All My Single Lad
Please watch this clip before reading this entry as we all need to understand the context of this conversation.
I thought it would be a good idea to discuss the serious over and undertones infused.
As we (women) approach our 30's, it is made abundantly clear by our Aunties, Mamma's, and Grandma's that its time to settle down and find a nice man. But what happens when the nice man you have been looking for appears to be hiding? Well, I may be married but I have way more single friends, family members, and acquaintances than I do married one's, so I would like to examine why we (Black 30 something) women are not getting married!
In the clip, the depiction of this women clearly shows that she is confused about what she wants, what her standards are, and even the origin of her beliefs. She quotes scripture but quickly dismisses anything that creates discomfort, and looks to the potential suitor to get on her roller coaster and like it (DAMN IT!). Though I know that real life is a lot more complicated than what this cartoon is suggesting, I have to say this clip rings true for many of us.....I'm even talking about us married gals!
The other day I was watching an episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (don't judge me) and one housewife said to another "you deserve to have it all!!" Unfortunately, we as a society ascribe to this belief. That all things attainable SHOULD belong to us. I say this way of thinking can be detrimental to our happiness!! Of course EVERYONE needs to develop standards and deal breakers before entering a serious relationship just to create some checks and balances for yourself, but when you think that you are not required to work through some mess and crack open that dusty oyster before getting to the beautiful pearl.....you are sadly mistaken.
My observation is that women in their thirties feel that they have been through enough already. They have a been there and done that attitude toward the dating scene. They feel that because other men have betrayed their trust, acted immaturely, or created uncomfortable situations, that they have somehow payed their dues. The way I see it: Every man you encounter MUST be given a blank slate from which he can begin or your potential relationship won't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. In all fairness, we ALL have baggage, so what I am suggesting is that you become VERY aware of what your particular baggage is. Otherwise your emotional crap could become all his fault without either of you realizing it.
For example: Lets say your baggage is insecurity. Your new man works long hours for a demanding boss. All you want him to do is call you throughout the day and during his car ride home for check ins, but he states this is not possible with his schedule. You begin thinking "maybe he is seeing someone else!" Soon your attitude changes toward him because you think he likes his co-workers better than you. You both begin to bicker because he has begun to react to your attitude toward him (which he does not understand). Unfortunately, the conversation soon turns to 'I want to be in a relationship where I am happy...we fight all the time so whats the point of being together? This is an example of a relationship that didn't have a chance because her insecurity manifested itself in the form of an attitude! How she really felt was never expressed and unfortunately, her attitude set the tone for the entire relationship.
Likewise there are some 30 something women who feel that because they are 30 something, that somehow exempts them from the courting process. The attitude seems to be that because I'm ready to get married and have children, any potential suitor that I meet needs to be that same page (TODAY). Again, I believe this is faulty thinking! Your chronological age does not determine nor can it change the natural progression of a relationship. Once you start introducing time lines and deadlines...even if only to yourself, your behavior changes and a certain desperation appears. The men you date are well aware of your age and what society tells you should happen around it. They don't need to be reminded on the 2nd date that oh...."I want kids!" If he asks, answer honestly, but then put a period on it.
And to my independent women who have their own homes, jobs, and cars. To the ones who have everything they want because THEY bought it for themselves. I'm going to tell you what nobody else will. There is a certain softness that you tend to lack. I know it is rough out there, in more ways than one, but if you are looking for a man who is a soft place to fall, you must be willing to fall. Times have changed and no one has yet written a book on how to navigate submitting after being the head of the household for so long, but know that this is something you must do if it is a traditional man with traditional values that you seek.
Advice Corner:
I know that there are exceptions to every rule but on this occasion, pretend that you are not the exception.
- Determine what your baggage is,
- Consider how it may have infiltrated your past relationships and masked itself as wrong doings on your partner's part.
- See a therapist to release feelings that were previously denied regarding absent or abusive fathers.
- And always believe that there IS a man out there for you!
Coach Jessica
No comments:
Post a Comment